A little background first. One day I was listening to Dr James Dobson talking about men who build up their self esteem and sense of worth from their work or a hobby. I agree that men are focused on what they do and have accomplished. In fact when men meet for the first time, their questions are generally, “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?”
In the book of Jonah, a great storm had arisen, and after casting lots the lot fell on Jonah, who was asleep in the hold of the ship. (Another observation of the male species, only a man could take a nap during a great storm.) They approached him and asked, “What is your occupation? And where do you come from?” (Jonah 1:8)
As I thought about how men value what we do and receive affirmation from other men, and society in general, I wondered how women received affirmation. Most of the women I know are devoted to their family, many have forsaken careers in the work place to pour into their husband and children.
Many of these same moms have chosen to home educate their children, which requires great personal sacrifice. These precious ladies are often scorned for staying at home and will never receive a reward from the world around them. They are like a grain of wheat which falls into the earth, dies, and bears good fruit.
As I was pondering these truths, I read Proverbs 31. I noted passages such as, ”An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.” And “she rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.”
As I read I realized, this was describing my wife. I have joked with Sandi about the verse where, “she considers a field and buys it.” I asked, "Dear, where's my field?" She responded, "I'm working on a burial plot." A great response, so now we're looking at cemeteries.
Later in the proverb, “she makes bed coverings for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple." My wife has made quilts and bed coverings. "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” I believe her husband is known and respected because she's built him up and encouraged him.
Then I read verses 26-27, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” I thought, “That’s Sandi homeschooling our sons. She's kind. She is full of wisdom.
Proverbs 31:28 continues, “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." Yes, this is the wonderful, diligent, caring girl that God brought into my life and who was certainly not eating the bread of idleness.
With all these thoughts coming together in my mind, I continued reading Proverbs 31:28 and arrived at the answer to my first question, “where does my wife find affirmation and fulfillment.”
"Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful. Beauty is vain. A woman who fears Jehovah is to be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”
A light build went off in my mind, and I saw that the very ones who are being blessed by these wonderful women are the ones who have the opportunity and the responsibility to praise and build up their mother and wife. "Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her."
Boogers Blessing
Here is how God led me to apply this principle in our home. One day I found my wife curled up on our bed weeping. All the kids had been on their worst behavior, and I wasn't much better. Many years later we were ruminating about this day and she read us the journal entry. She talked about how bad the boys had been and added, "At least the big booger apologized." That was me.
I wondered how to bless her at that particular moment. I recalled the specific instructions of Proverbs 31, where her children rise up and “call her blessed.” I whistled, assembled all our boys and said, "We've all been a mess today, and we need to not only apologize, we need to do something to build mom up.”
I primed the pump and told the boys what we were going to do. We made a circle of chairs and called my wife out. She sat down in the center of the circle with red eyes surrounded by her sons, who sons began saying things such as, "Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to read, Thank you, Mom, for making meals for us, Thank you for helping me with my laundry, Thank you for reading aloud while we do our chores, etc.”
To their credit, they went around the room a couple times blessing their mom. My wife’s tears began to dry up and were replaced with a gentle smile. I now am convinced that no one has the power to bless a mom like her children, the ones she is serving and loving in so many ways.
We endeavored to not make this a one time event but to keep at it. One day my wife shared with me that our third son, a big six-foot guy, passed her as she was walking down the hallway, looked at her and said, "Blessed." Sandi was beaming. I will say it again, nobody can bless a wife like her children and husband.
At the end of that verse it says her husband praises her. Over the years, I have purchased many flowers for Sandi and I've written little notes on the cards tucked into the bouquet. While she enjoys the flowers, I have noticed she has kept all of the notes.
For many years, I praised her for all the good deeds she had and was doing. While attending a marriage seminar many years later, I learned that I should not praise her for her accomplishments (which is how men encourage each other) rather I was to honor her for who she is. Instead of saying,”you are a wonderful cook” I might say, I appreciate how much energy and thought you put into our meals. Women are different than men, and their focus is not on doing as much as being. As men, our efforts will be more effective and our wife will be more blessed and affirmed, when we bless her for who she is, and not for what she does.
Many times at conferences I have addressed families and shared how I have applied Proverbs 31. Then I will ask the children to stand up and gather around their mom and have them say, Blessed!” Moms beam.
Then I address the husbands and have them follow my lead while addressing their wives, exactly as the Spirit of God inspired the last two verses. I ask the husbands to repeat after me, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah is to be praised.”
May I encourage the husbands who are still reading to lead their children in praising and blessing their mom, and then make a habit of honoring their wife themselves, while giving her of the fruit of her hands, and letting her works praise her in the gates.
505 2 Chronicles 4-21 July 29
506 2 Chronicles 22-35 August 5
507 2 Chronicles 36-Nehemiah 8 August 12
508 Nehemiah 9-Job 4 August 19
509 Job 5-27 August 26
510 Job 28-Proverbs 3 September 2
511 Proverbs 4-23 September 9
512 Proverbs 24-Ecclesiastes September 16
As we continue our journey through the Old Testament follow along with us. Here is the“OT Schedule” found on the Building Faith Families website under Bible Resources. We are reading and discussing approximately 400 verses each week. Together we can do this!!
Looking Up,
Steve